Day 21

So here we go

This may make absolutely no sense whatsoever. I’m not what one would call a writer but something is telling to share my journey. Even if it’s only to help me.

On October 11th Dave died. Died….. It’s such a permanent word. Something you can literally never take back or change your mind. I was laying in bed with my son trying to get him to sleep earlier and I had these flashes of all the different places and different ways he has been put to bed. My most cherished one is of Dave rocking him in his chair for an hour every night listening to Lorde Pandora radio. He did that from the time he was five months until he was one and we moved to a different house. Then I remember laying in bed at the apartment laughing at how loud Aj’s snoring was with the vent straight to our room. We both grew to love that comforting sound. When we moved again Aj was much bigger and by then we had a camera in his room to see what he was up to. Both of us would lay there for at least an hour just watching him sleep. I always loved sneaking peeks  of Dave looking at Aj with this incredible love in his eyes. Those were the times I loved Dave the most. Sitting here now and listening to Aj snore I’d like to believe Dave is still here looking at him the same way.

I’d like to believe Dave is everywhere with all three of us but sometimes that logic doesn’t make sense to me. I catch myself constantly talking to him still whether it’s “what should I make for dinner?” or scream sobbing when I’m alone in the car. Time seems to pass to quickly and yet so slowly. I am ONLY  21 days into a lifetime without him and it feels like years. At least 3 years not three fucking weeks. I wavier between feeling like I totally have this to I am unbelievably fucked in so many ways I should have just run when I had the chance mentality. My issue is even if I run I still won’t find him.

Ok so I’m going to stop here. I am not sure how often I will write but most likely once every few days. Feel free to read or not just know that it’s here.

 

5 thoughts on “Day 21

  1. Jessica this is beautiful. Thank you for sharing this. It’s a side of Dave that I never got the opertunity to see. I always knew he had a huge heart and a tremendous amount of love to give. I feel like through your writing I get to know him better. Please keep writing. Your strength shines in the eyes of your children, your family and your friends so if ever you can’t feel it, look there and you will find it.

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  2. Wow Jessica. Thank you for starting this blog and sharing your journey with so many. Your words touched my heart in a way that is unexplainable. You are and have always been such an amazing woman. Dave loved you so much and I’m sure he is right there still watching you, AJ, and Izzy the same way he always did. I believe Dave will always be there right beside you. Love you!

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  3. Jess I love you!!! Your words touched my heart you are such a beautiful soul and you are so much stronger than you realize . Thank you for the glimpse into your life with Dave. I cannot imagine what you away fingers he ought but you are so loved . I believe Dave is always with you and the kids….. always

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  4. Jess, you are doing great. One step at a time in this new normal; big strides, baby steps, forwards, backwards, sideways, they are all steps so just keep moving. Thank you for sharing your ‘journey of a thousand miles…’. You are one incredible woman!!

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