Day 46

Exploration

I have been distant. Not in the way where you would see me and be like where has she been? More of a distant in myself feeling . I have been shoving the thoughts and feelings of Dave as far down as possible. I have been smiling through any emotion. I have been grabbing at anything to make myself positive. Thanksgiving came and went. It wasn’t harder or easier than expected. It just was.  I remember the first family dinner I had without him was much much harder. I had this overwhelming acceptance on Thursday and for some reason it felt wrong to be ok with it all. I told someone the other day that this grief and living in general is so much like recovery. When I really don’t want to anymore I keep pushing. Part of me feels like I should have given up by now. I should crack eventually right? As the time goes on I am realizing I have created an entire life in a matter of weeks that really had nothing to do with Dave. How is that even possible?  The only times I feel the dark creep in is when I am alone in bed at night or the flittering moments that remind me of him. Most of the time I feel fine when I think of him. I’ll smile to myself and wish he were there but it’s not that unbearable ache for him.  Many times I wonder am I doing this right? Am I doing this widow thing right? Am I honoring him? Am I doing what’s best for the kids? Should I want to lock myself away for days? Do other people think that I really don’t care? I mean how could someone not care? It’s such a strange path to be on where you are losing and finding yourself in the very same moments. I guess that has been most of my life. It can just be calm now. I wish I had the desire to have answers but I have become accustom to this ever floating sensation. If I really landed would I even know? I went to a vape shop today to find out about Dave’s vape. The vape he LOVED SO MUCH and I despised. I now love it too. It’s comforting. The smell. The clouds. Like part of him is still in the room. I never realized how much went into it. As time has gone on I have learned to love many of the things I used to hold against him. Hindsight is a real bitch. I actually appreciate him. Almost all of him for once. Ugh the ebb and flow. I just hope he can be proud of my growth over the past few weeks. I am already so much stronger, kinder, and more understanding than I was before and I used to think I was a nice person before. LOL. Life. I am strong enough. I am brave enough. I am worthy enough  I. am. Enough.

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