Day 62

Two

I guess I should address this day. I have spent most of the day trying to figure out how it has only been two months and how you have already been gone for two FUCKING months. How? I literally feel like it has been years. So much has happened. My life is so so different. I can’t remember what it was like hearing you snore next to me. I can’t remember your smell. Although I find myself going to buy your favorite snacks at the store. I hate this. I don’t understand this at all. I feel like I should be in bed crying all the time. I mean it literally has been like no time at all but I’m not. Honestly I don’t want to be that way. It makes me feel like a terrible person. It’s fucked when feeling strong and resilient also makes you feel the worst you ever have. I still wake up in the morning wishing you would be there and that maybe it was all just some sick twisted lesson. I know though that it’s not. This my reality. I’m just trying to make the best of it. I get so resentful when people say “you are so strong. You’re handling this so well.” I don’t feel that way. I feel like a fake and a poser. I feel lost most of the time. I feel overwhelmed and weak. I just feel like a robot in the world. If I show weakness people would either worry or start gossiping about how obviously I was bound to fall apart. I just want to do right by the kids. I really really miss pretty much everything we had. I hope wherever you are it’s calm and peaceful. I hope it’s full of breaded chicken and rock n rye. Every time the Lions score tears fill my eyes because I know how happy you would be. I love you Poopa. Please keep pushing me forward I’m starting to run out of steam.

2 thoughts on “Day 62

  1. Children don’t allow you time to just sit in the moment and mourn. They need everything and they need it now. In many ways they keep you moving even when all you want to do is run away and cry. But, this is a blessing. Without them forcing you through the days you would be a hot depressed mess. You’re no fraud, you’re doing what needs to be done. That doesn’t mean you don’t miss dave or are dishonoring his memory by not sitting around crying. Sometimes it sucks being tough when you really want to break and go lie in a mental ward until the pain is gone. But you are tough and strong and resilient and you are doing great!! Love you!

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  2. “The Dance”

    Looking back on the memory of
    The dance we shared ‘neath the stars above
    For a moment all the world was right
    How could I have known that you’d ever say goodbye

    And now I’m glad I didn’t know
    The way it all would end the way it all would go
    Our lives are better left to chance I could have missed the pain
    But I’d have had to miss the dance

    Holding you I held everything
    For a moment wasn’t I a king
    But if I’d only known how the king would fall
    Hey who’s to say you know I might have changed it all

    And now I’m glad I didn’t know
    The way it all would end the way it all would go
    Our lives are better left to chance I could have missed the pain
    But I’d have had to miss the dance

    Yes my life is better left to chance
    I could have missed the pain but I’d have had to miss the dance

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