Day 83

I haven’t been writing. I haven’t taken the time to acknowledge my feelings in almost a month now. I have internally gone through the thought processes with brief moments of weakness but man I can snap my shit back together like a champ! I made it through Christmas there were bumps….. a shit ton of them but here I am. My children will only have happy beautiful pictures to look back on to remember this time. I have mastered creating something perfect on the outside no matter how flawed inside to ensure they will never feel the true emptiness that I willingly endure for them. I will continue to do everything I can whether manufactured or true to let them only remember the beauty and light in their lives. In a Sleeping at Last song that I played on repeat for six months prior to D-day they end by saying “you’re much to young now so I’ll write these words down. Darkness exists to make light truly count.” The light of them has been the only light in some of the darkest places I have ever known. 2016 pushed me to find myself against everything that screamed ” YOU CANNOT DO IT! YOU WILL NEVER BE ENOUGH!” I whispered “you’re enough Jess. Get up you can do this Mama.” I can’t help but wonder why people say all the time I can’t believe you’re even out of bed. Excuse me? Do I have a choice? Nope! I have two humans that depend on me and me alone. The only choice left is how do I better myself to ensure I can continue to care for my children. Do I want to? HELL NO! I don’t know if it’s the twelve steps or just a perseverant spirit that drive me but I will continue to succeed no matter how badly I want to throw the towel in because I am a mother and a force to be reckoned with. I have been meditating that 2017 brings me peace and understanding. I have struggled since the day Dave died with people asking me how he died. Not only does it not matter, since he is you know dead and all, but It is NONE of your business. I have prayed and prayed that I remain open to the universe reminding me that this loss was not mine alone. I want to show up in a way he would want, seriously I want to understand but to continuously ask me is like ripping off a scab over and over. It’s hurtful and feels insensitive to not only myself but my family. If the universe could stop it would be greatly appreciated. My goals for 2017? To remain teachable: not in the AA sense but I have realized I never have given myself time to know what Jess wants. I have always been so and so’s significant other or mommy or the work psycho but this year I am starting school again to grow as an individual. I want to continue with yoga. I love the way I feel when I show up for what my heart and soul ask. I love the safe sisterhood I feel surrounded by, whether I know the woman next to me or not. I want to tell those who are important to me that they are appreciated and loved often. I want to honor and continue walking into my fear of vulnerability. Lastly I want to cut myself some slack. I am doing everything I can and even if I feel I fall short I am still amazing and it’s ok to acknowledge my strength. Here’s to 2017 and none of that new year new me bullshit. 🙌🏻💯

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