Day 90

Defeat

It has only been a quarter of a year.  It has somehow been an entire quarter of a fucking year without you.  Grief is this endless bullshit cycle where one minute you are present for your “former” life and then you’re present for your life at this exact point. I consistently feel lost in the gray between the two.  Although I KNOW three months is no time….. it really isn’t. My life feels like three four years out. So much has happened since D-Day. My whole life is settling into this fucked up place where he almost didn’t exist at all. This protection technique I created has helped me but the guilt that I am not outwardly grieving or showing my truth at any particular time weighs on me. I wonder if he is resentful constantly. I second guess every single step, decision, thought I have or might have. There have been countless nights sitting in my room literally yelling at nothing and no one because at the end of the day he is not here. I’m starting to believe that spirits or ghosts are something our mind creates for comfort or manifests out of extreme emotional distress. I’m not sure I want to continue lying to myself it seems counterproductive. I have been able to remain in a state of movement since the day after he died but this too will die off. I will be become exhausted even more than I am now. Somehow. I will eventually feel the weight of this picture perfect life I manufacture for you, for me, for them. How do you plan for something that you don’t fully comprehend? I want to remain positive and someone seen as “strong” but really I am just an angry and weak bitch. I don’t know I guess this too shall pass. Ugh fuck that feels like bullshit. Is today over yet?

2 thoughts on “Day 90

  1. Some days you want to be weak and hate your strong nature (blame it on your eternally persistently, extremely strong grandmother if you must). It seems would be easier to get put on heavy drugs in a psych ward and wake up when its over But when you wake you would still have to deal with the loss. some day you will feel stronger and on that day you will be so glad you didn’t cave….because those kids need you to be strong so they can grow up strong too. Its ok to be both as long as you have peeps to talk to and understand you! Love you, one of your peeps.

    Like

Leave a Reply

Fill in your details below or click an icon to log in:

WordPress.com Logo

You are commenting using your WordPress.com account. Log Out /  Change )

Google+ photo

You are commenting using your Google+ account. Log Out /  Change )

Twitter picture

You are commenting using your Twitter account. Log Out /  Change )

Facebook photo

You are commenting using your Facebook account. Log Out /  Change )

Connecting to %s