Day 221

“It feels like failing. It feels like rain. Like losing my balance  again and again. It once was so easy. Breathe in. Breathe out. At the the foot of this mountain I only see clouds. I feel out of focus or at least indisposed. As this strange weather pattern inside of me takes hold. For each brave step forward, I take three steps behind. It’s mind over matter. Matter over  mind. So pardon the dust as it all settles in. With this broken heart the transformation begins.” – Sleeping at Last (Sorrow)

This is our bed. The one that you told me you would not get into the car without buying. The one that caused so much financial fear in me that I began hiding twice as much money from you. The one that we would lay in early into the morning arguing, crying, laughing, and in silence. The same one that when you’d leave early for work I would roll over and snuggle your pillow so I could smell you. This bed has moved across the county three times and numerous other local times. It was there when I told you we were pregnant again. It was there when we got married. This is the one that we brought Izzy home to. The one Aj would climb into on Sunday mornings just to wrestle Daddy. It holds hundreds of tears I’ve shed. It holds the dent you left. I never sleep on that side. This is our bed but these are not our sheets anymore. Something that was 100% us is slowly becoming just me. Today would have been our two year anniversary but that’s not a real thing anymore. That is a dream we tried to create together but there is no us, only me. In the four years we spent together we built so much. Coming from basically two kids with a duffel bag to our names. I’m proud of you. I’m proud of me! Now once again I will take what I have and slowly rebuild. I thought by now the pain would lessen but that is not the case. I’ve heard from other widows that this raw feeling will endure for years. It seems a fair price to pay. I take solace knowing that if I hadn’t truly met a soulmate this wouldn’t burn the way it does. Sometimes I think for a fleeting second it would have been better to never have known you but almost instantly I know I’m just trying to mask my pain with anger. Lol shocker I know! Some days I’m busy enough that it’s bearable and some days (mostly nights) I am left to think of you. It seems as the days and months pass I am filled with regrets over how I showed up in our relationship. If I could go back I wouldn’t make fun of your six Q-tip per shower necessity. Nor would I allow it to cause fights after we both had a long day. I would have done your stinky softball laundry with a smile knowing how much being on the field really meant to you. I would have shown up to more of those softball games so our son could have seen what passion for the game looked like. I thought we had a lifetime. I would have responded with “I appreciate you” when you would look at me and say it. I always thought you were being an ass but now I know you weren’t. I would have reminded you of the important things in life instead of shutting down when you were dead set on something. I would have been the wife I promised in our vows I would be and the wife you deserved. I love you poopas I hope wherever you are that you are happy and at peace. I will pull it together 😉 I always do babe but maybe work some angel magic and let this be a quick one. K? Love you so much. We all miss you constantly. 💕

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