Day 227

“Stitch by stitch I tear apart.
If brokenness is a form of art,
I must be a poster child prodigy.
Thread by thread I come apart.
If brokenness is a work of art,
Surely this must be my masterpiece.
I’m only honest when it rains.
If I time it right, the thunder breaks
When I open my mouth.
I want to tell you but I don’t know how.
I’m only honest when it rains,
An open book with a torn out page”

-Neptune ( Sleeping at Last )

I am an island
I am an undiscovered planet
I am the edge of a skyscraper
I am bare for all to see
I am alone

At the end of the day I realize always that am utterly and completely alone. I am ok with this some days while others it drags me to the furthest depths of my soul and leaves me there alone, once again. As my birthday fastly approaches I am more than willing to push it to the side. I remember last year my birthday was on Monday and he had to work. Somehow though he always made things special in his own way. I stop and wish I would have lived in those moments more. As I pause I can hear him whispering to me that he’d make up for it next year. I think back on the birthday four years ago when he kicked me out with tears in his eyes. How even in those moments I knew he loved me more than I loved myself. I said to someone the other day that I was in a relationship that built me up and made me a better version of who I’ve always been. I had to take a deep breath how true those words were. I was lucky enough to have someone in my life that truly loved me to my core and back. The good, the bad, and the crazy. I miss his encouragement at the end of a difficult day. His stupid softball socks. His fucking junk food that he just couldn’t live without. I should have stopped. I should have been more present. I should have done more. Sometimes I wonder if this constant pain will ever lessen or if this is life now. My aunt told me that I am confusing when it comes to Dave. That in person I will say “Oh yeah but you know he croaked” while in my blog it is desperate despair. I thought about that for the past few days. I have always deflected with humor or anger. Plus how do you say face to face your soul has a terminal disease that you are quite sure will eventually kill you as well. There really are no words for the anguish I feel on a minute by minute basis daily. I try to write it down in hopes that maybe I too can understand myself. Maybe I am not terminally ill. Maybe I will make it through this completely. Until then I will remain a island surrounded by beautiful sparkling water but not safe enough to actually approach.

2 thoughts on “Day 227

  1. Maybe, possibly you don’t have the words and strength to talk about how you are really feeling inside right now. But someday you will be able to say out loud how alone and sad you feel. It’s ok. You are loved and supported everyday, but remember you don’t have to be strong for us, we can handle it if you need to vent or cry or just scream or be quiet.

    Like

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