Day 251

I was sitting at my desk. Just sitting like any other day. Then suddenly flashes. Flashes of us folding laundry together and you making fun of me for procrastinating. Walking over to you and grabbing your face to look you in the eyes and saying  how in love with you I still was. Our marriage was far from perfect. We fought all the time that last year. Just a week before we would say goodbye for good I was sobbing on the bathroom floor in your parents basement. Fuck I’ve spent a pretty big chunk of my life crying on bathroom floors. That’s embarrassing 😳 We were losing the battle. Both of us. No one wins in those situations. As much as I wanted to pull my hair out while we were falling apart I knew without a doubt there was no one else I would want to wake up next to no matter what. I stayed in the last flash for a minute wondering if I knew then that I would never see you again. I had a similar feeling the last time I saw Cameron. I remember sobbing and him asking what was wrong. I did and didn’t know all at once. I wondered if my future held another moment like that. If I could endure a pain so deep yet again. Then the blackout flashes began. The ones I hadn’t remembered until that very moment. The moment I found you. Your face. Knowing immediately you were gone. The scramble. The 911 call. The look on your dad’s face. I was paralyzed. In the current I was paralyzed again. It was all so real. Realer than when it actually happened. Hiding in the tub as the cops and paramedics filled the house. I still hid in the closest bathtub I can find when I feel overwhelmed. My soul was screaming as I sat in cubeland. Listening to the fingers tapping keys all around me. Staring. Lifeless for what felt like hours. Suddenly my boss says “Jess” and I’m back. I’m here. I’m now. Again I put on the mask. Stuffing from within for another day.

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