Day 257

I want to numb you out. I want to wake up one morning with no memory of you. At this point any memory good or bad stings like a poison slowly seeping into my bloodstream. Like a cancer slowly killing me organ by organ. I want to be at the point where I look back and it’s all ok. That is not my reality. Tonight I sat in my room sobbing. I have been trying to get out there. The loneliness is consuming me. I thought maybe I could distract myself. Maybe it would make me forget. This is not what I found. I found myself searching for you. Any little piece of you I could find in another. Only to be left with that it is not. Never will be. I told myself to lie to my soul. This will make it better. Part is better than none. Something. Someone is better than nothing. This is also a fallacy my mind has created to cope. For god sake I kicked fucking heroin and yet I cannot kick you. Nine torturous months and still you cling to my bones. My heart. My soul. Why? We were not even happy. We no longer completed one another but still my heart stops each time you cross my mind. What did I do? Why do I deserve this isolating purgatory? Could I really be that evil? I am drowning without you. I was drowning with you. Nothing has changed except the side where you slept is cold. I read a blog about pacing and search for something. Anything. What am I look for? What is it that I think there is to be found? Emptiness is all I receive in response. It’s just the night I whisper. The night always passes. Tomorrow I will wake up. I will smile and joke. I will wear this mask of a complete person. This will fool them. This will be my greatest victory. Until once again night comes and I will be left with myself and the fading memory of you. The night will pass. Day after day. Until one day the night will no longer swallow me up and spit me out. This isn’t forever right? Get your surfboard. Ride the waves. The tide will reseed. You can do this. Feelings are nothing more than that and feelings fade.

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