Day 331 (and 1/2)

“I’m sorry Taylor can’t come to the phone now. Why? Because she’s dead.” -T Swift

I feel like maybe he’s trying to talk to me. All outlets in my life are running towards the same conclusion: I am not the same Jessica I used to be and that’s ok.
That’s ok.

This evening I was going through my old craft cubby thing. I have literally moved it six times with me. As I rummaging through half used stickers and twelve shades of green paint I was remembering Ging. (That’s what he called me) She was lighthearted and loved deep. She was the one that always had dinner on the table. Made all those stupid fucking Pinterest crafts of he kids hands. She always had a routine that she strictly followed. She was always there to answer the phone or show up for anyone other than herself. It felt like an honor to have some sobriety under her belt and be part of a strong sober marriage. She knew how to take all the right pictures to prove to herself that yes her life was turning into something she always wanted.
She loved her job.
She loved her friends.
She loved her husband and children.
Most of all she truly loved her life for the first time probably ever.
But Ging….. she’s gone
She’s still laying on the cement floor where he died. Dead inside herself. You see Ging was slowly dying long before he did. With every piece she gave out she lost herself.
She didn’t really knew herself in the end.
I wonder if this limbo I have been bouncing around in would lift if I just let Ging go.
What if I just let her go?
Her flaws and weaknesses are Jess’s strengths. Ging never would have tried Buti yoga. She would not express how she really felt ever. She would NOT run. She wouldn’t have gone to Vegas or made widow friends around the world. She would have gotten up and gone about her life oblivious. Each day I find out something new about myself. In those moments I turn to the sky and ask what he thinks. Although Ging is gone I will always be his wife and that’s ok too.

I am grateful for my years as “The Ging” but baby girl I’m ready. I’m ready to grow. I’m ready to know and love the Jess today not something that will never be again. I’m ready to breathe again.
So please
Let. Me. Go.

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