Day 341

“And all I’ve known.
And all I’ve done.
I take you along.
Though you’re not here I can feel you there.
I take you along.
When things don’t make sense I have courage because of you. ”
-Brave for you (The xx) *I’m obsessed my bad πŸ™ƒ*

I was scrolling through memories today. It’s a real love/hate thing with the reminders. I saw all the pictures from the last day Dave, Aj, and I had a special day. We went to the science museum in Detroit 😊 Seeing pictures of a tiny Aj in Dave’s arms. The three of us smashing together to take a selfie. Videos of us laughing at each other. It was like watching someone else completely. A Jessica versions old.
I wondered if I was able to fall in love with you again that day.
I was lost.
I am lost.
Always.
I have been in a quarantine for far too long. A distant mirage seemingly real only for a second and then suddenly disappearing leaving no trace behind.
Isolation…..
My closest friend
The constant nagging fear that I will be too much for anyone outside of me is borderline debilitating.
A huge difference in the recovery cycle and grief cycle is the ability to easily find a tribe to meet you where you are at. They may send you to rehab but my experience was that rehab (not suited to grief) only harmed me further. I would open up and was met with pity or some text book script that the therapist had said a million times before. The opposite of my experience sharing on addiction. So I cocooned deeper inside. Convinced I would never find peace around losing him. Last night though I was able to meet and hang out with my people. I was CRAZY! Complete word vomit. Yet they let me stay. We shared different struggles that most really really really don’t get. Bantered. And laughed. Real laughs #widowhumor πŸ‘°πŸΌπŸ­πŸ’πŸ€£πŸ˜‚πŸ€£πŸ™Œ
As I set out on this last leg of year one I am finding peace in the climb. I woke up content for the first time in awhile. I am happy with who I am, what I have accomplished, and what I will become. Take a deep breath I tell myself. We both know this isn’t forever. Right now though I feel hope. πŸ’•

 

#howgoodcanitget
#imcomingforyougrief
#findyourtribe

 

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