Day 361

Sitting in a bed we had once shared together. That was our sons first “big boy” bed. The one that has a rock n rye stain in the right corner. Now sitting in your brothers old room. I was consumed with the thought that I would need to go downstairs. That is where I left my piece of you. That is where I need to say it’s ok. I sat and contemplated for a few minutes. Looking into the mirror in my bronzer case I felt stupid. Weak. Insignificant. With each brush stroke I knew I was putting on makeup to cry it off. In that moment I needed to have a pep talk with myself. Usually I do this in a big mirror so I can make eye contact with myself. I pulled out my phone and started recording. What a surreal experience. After I had composed myself I came back to the video to delete it. Instead I found beauty in the breakdown as they say. I could barely believe the things coming out of my mouth. How true and raw my emotions were. I sat with that play screen for awhile. It felt like an eternity.
Play.
Oh shit.
Ugh.
Ugh.
Ugh this is rough.
Pause.
These screenshots encompass the true nature of grief. How I have put on a mask each day only to sob it off hours later. My reality behind closed doors.

I have grief right where I want it.
I am not turning back. #theoptimisticwidow #griefrecovery #warriorwidow #griefsucks Photo idea cred to @griefstagram 💕💕

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