Day 391

Ever have those moments when you realize suddenly that you are an adult? You are supposed to be an actual fucking adult!
I don’t get that.
I don’t think I’m a real adult
I don’t.
I don’t know if I ever like knew how to be but then I see myself going to work every day and working my ass off and trying to be a good mom and not loose my patience and just give back to the world you know.
I don’t think I’m an adult though.
I don’t think I know how to be fully adult like.

I’ve been thinking about how crazy it is that I write now. How serious the passion for that creative outlet has become.
I think because I was an addict and I know what it’s like to be judged.
I just I never want another person to feel that way.
It’s painful it’s really really fucking painful and there are so many whispers about every move that you make.
And it’s just ……
overwhelming at times.
And writing so therapeutic.
Even if it’s all for me,
I’ll be selfish.
I’ll be fucking selfish and write about how I really feel regardless of how uncomfortable it makes others feel.
My time with the 12-steps has taught me that it without rigorous honesty you stand no chance in the war for you.
I truly believe that that goes for suicidality as well.
If you aren’t honest at least to yourself in the very least.

I mean in person I’m a totally different.
That’s why I named the blog The Optimistic Widow because I’m the jokester. I’m the one laughing and smiling and pulling pranks.
Anything to bring joy.
I think because I spend so much time in the dark.
But I like that.
I like that I feel so deeply.
And that my slight narcissism hasn’t gotten in the way of me wanting others to feel Joy.
It heals me too.
I don’t know sometimes I think that I shouldn’t be writing that maybe I was never meant to be a writer because I’m not really! Yet at the same time it’s the only way I’ve been able to say what I really need to say.

I hope that you go out there and find your passion too because I believe like I said before that everyone EVERYONE deserves Joy. My mantra for the past year has been find your tribe. Find you safe place.
You deserve to laugh.
You deserve to cry (if you want)
You deserve to lay in your tub drunk as shit on a Thursday morning if that is what helps you heal. The only deal is you have to try the next day to pull yourself up again.
You deserve to know yourself and love who you really are.
You deserve to know that you are cared about even by people that don’t know you.
You deserve.

You’re not alone.
You’re never alone with your people.

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