Day 428

Jolted awake by the sound of your voice saying “mama” I didn’t think I remembered your voice any longer. I had just told a fellow widow how even the sound of your laugh in random video clips are that of stranger now. How I will sit and listen on repeat in the hopes that one time, even for a second, I can completely remember you. That your voice would become familiar again. I wondered if the voice waking me was truly your own or one manufactured by my mind. Then the flashes of a thousand memories stored deep inside of me. When we would be laying in bed and one of us would say “Papa” in an evil voice only for the other to respond “Mama” in a tone more sinister. Back and forth we would go sometimes for a time period that was probably way too long. I thought of Chailey In the other room yelling “but Paaaaaapaaaaa” just to make light of our arguments. She was right I could definitely get whiny with you. I thought of the times we started doing lunch all the time because we wanted to be around each other, we wanted to fix our marriage, we loved each other in the most sincere of ways. Sitting at that Mexican joint on the end of the strip mall we would talk at each other about the stresses of the day. I remember distinctly how you would wait until I was shoveling the most amount of food in my mouth to tell me I was so beautiful. You told me that daily. Multiple times daily. Your eye so intense on mine as if you were desperately trying to grab me and make me understand. I’m sorry I was so blind. I remembered one of my many soup obsessions and how you would laugh reminding me that soup made me nauseous. Again you were right. I would order it to eat half and throw up half. I spent so much of our time unaware of my ignorance. God I wish I could go back. I would give you everything.

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