Day 457

I have decided I feel bad for norms.

They can’t comprehend how you can love your dead spouse while still falling or be in love with a living person. Their minds try too hard to rationalize things that aren’t meant to be understood. Life is not linear. It’s curved. Sharp. Messy. Jagged. With moments of calm or smooth only to build momentum in the background. They are so ignorant to reality without even knowing they are.

I can’t understand how they don’t understand.

I remember when I found out my parents were getting divorced. My Mom told me that she “fell out of love with my Dad” I remember thinking even at 12 or 11 that you don’t “fall out of love”. You love or you never did. It makes me sad to think that maybe my Mom lived under the illusion of love. For years.

I wonder if she has ever felt true love.

That has not been my path. Every person I have told I loved I still love. I will always love them. Not in love but love unwaveringly. The expansion that comes in the path of giving selfless love is abounding. One of my most favorite things about this new love is that he is able to hold and sit with that space where I still love Dave. During our first in person interaction I had a breakdown. Day two. I was a mess. When I planned a trip around New Years I was full of excitement. I did not think about how a few years before Dave had proposed to me. It was low key and I knew it was coming. Not some huge surprise but for Dave and I it was perfect because we were low key as a couple. As the day went on I could feel it. Building. The surge before the crash. And then? The tears came. He allowed me that space without holding it against me. I live a life where others are ALWAYS holding things against me that come out sideways. Not him. He respected it and understood that nameless pain because he too will always love his wife. That is not something that I feel jealous or anger or sadness. It makes me love him even more.

I have said before that when I said my vows I fucking meant them! I did. With one exception. It was not until death do us part. It is honestly in life and death. The love that I hold for Dave will never fade. The love I held for Cam is the same. Why is it so wrong to love? To the core. Spreading it freely and not in a legs wide open way but in that vulnerable intimacy. Why is it so hard to understand that I still love my husband. I am still in love with my husband. Let me say it one more time for the sleeping.

I

STILL

LOVE

MY

HUSBAND

I always always will. He is in my veins. Quite literally. Over time becoming a part of my very DNA. You know what? While some cringe at the thought I love love love that he is ingrained into my skin. I love that this new experience also holds his wife in his heart and soul. He understands! Fuck he UNDERSTANDS the waves. Can you comprehend how hard it is to find someone that gets your grief pattern? Even among widows we all grieve differently and I grieve openly. So freaking open making norms and widows alike turn from me because of their own fear. Because I am NOT afraid.

I told him the other night that I appreciate how he has brought out so many different parts of me that I did not know existed. Including artistic parts. His response was “I do not hold that power. I can only hope that you have found a safe place to find what you always had. It is not me.” And then he kissed me on my forehead.

It is possible to love two people simultaneously and I feel blessed. To be able to experience that on such a very deep level.

For those of us who have loved and truly lost grief will gift you in ways you never knew you needed.

I am healing.

Growing.

Discovering Jess.

How blessed I truly am 💕✨

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