I do not know how to do this.
Even though most days I feel almost like a veteran of widowhood the reality is that it has only been 15 months. I am still just beginning.
Lately my son has been hurting. This is something I don’t know how to fix. There are no words to comfort the pain of missing a Dad, that presumably to him, everyone else has but he does not. I have no magic wand. I cannot bring Dave back. Nor could I ever replace him. So I hold him. While he kicks and screams for a person that doesn’t exist anymore, just memories I try desperately to keep alive if only for them.
As his grief journey has expanded over time it has touched many others in a very negative way. He will scream or hit. Throwing toys without remorse when hurting another. Many times his sister takes the brunt of this anger. Which as a mother is enraging. I don’t know what to do. What to say. How to make him understand that to cause pain while in pain is not the answer. I admit I can raise my voice. I have lost my patience and asked Aj to leave me alone. Something he says all the time now 😢 but violence is not my way. It hurts to think that my son for some reason sees it as an option.
I judge my parenting based on their behavior as do others. Don’t think for a second I don’t see the way the teachers at their school look at me like I am unfit. Like the only consistent thing about me is the shit show. Honestly they would never survive even a week as me. The shear emotional toll alone would cripple them for years to come and yet they judge. With love in their hearts but damaging and hurtful nonetheless. How little they understand the daily struggle. I don’t blame them. I show up disheveled and exhausted day after day. Many times I wonder if the kids would be better in a home with two completely functional adults. Maybe I am doing a disservice to them? Yet the thought of not wanting to pull my hair out daily crushes me. Those two are everything. My son and my moon 🌚 🌝