Day 472

I have acted CRAZY

Insane

Irrational

Spiraling disaster

After the purge of yesterday I felt light.

Heavy at first as the energy it held was releasing from my system but lighter none the less.

I am growing I can feel it.

Past judgement.

Past my fears.

Past the secretiveness I have held onto like a life raft for so long.

I have been working towards being just Jess. Much like when Dave died and I grabbed old Jess holding a gun to her head whispering she too must die. All of her. I have been slowly choking new Jess as she struggles to just survive. Determined to kill anything reminiscent to who I was at any point previous. The past few months life has reminded me over and over why I liked Jess before I loved her. The qualities that should be kept. Treasured. They still make me who I am. It is ok to evolve but not to push away. Slowly I am bringing back small fragments that once meant so much to me. I am learning to truly honor who I have become. Figuring out what I really, at my core, want from life.

When we went on the plane to Virginia Aj turned to me and said “Get Daddy!” “Huh baby? Daddy is in heaven remember?” “No Mama in sky. Get Daddy in hevben.” In that moment I realized my old ideals would not hold up in this changing life. How could I have expected that Aj would think we could somehow get Daddy again? How could I not? After all I always say he’s in the sky and here we were in the sky. A few days later Aj thought maybe if he climbed a tree that he could somehow get to Daddy. How painful for him to relive this realization over and over not fully understanding yet that no matter what Daddy will not be found. Looking to my boyfriend like somehow because he is taller he could do more. “Want climb tree. Get Daddy” with a smile on his face responding “Daddy is not in the tree Aj, you cannot get high enough” Again in moments of gut wrenching pain I felt grateful that my child has a safe and loving environment to figure out …. Life. Grateful he is finding his own words. His own path.

As he learns, grows, becomes a person with full thoughts, I too am growing. Internally always but this new evolution is about motherhood and home. I have been obsessed with this idea of home. I want to create something for them so bad. I fault all of my decisions in being their Mommy. I feel like a failure often but I try again the next day to do better. I hope one day I can give myself the kindness I freely give to others. I know it will come. The wind came and blew leaves all over the backyard of my mind. Insurmountable I told myself. A lie. Grab your rake. Start in one place. Don’t look around. Find your soundtrack and focus on this one moment.

The rest will come Jess.

It’s ok to breathe.

It’s ok to be.

“S L O W D O W N”   *you know who you are

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