Day 485

I feel weak today.

Ironic since I felt so empowered just 48 hours ago.

I felt weak at work.

Incompetent.

Incapable.

Insecure.

I walked into a meeting to train others on something I don’t fully understand and was physically shaking.

Many times each day I feel inadequate.

That my 150% that I never had to begin with will never be enough in the end.

No matter how hard I try.

The first person sat down and snap!

There I was.

Vibrant.

Charismatic.

Knowledgeable.

Jess.

How have I fooled them all?

How can they not see how much I struggle daily?

Maybe they do….

Fuck

I spent the rest of the day holding back tears as the cloud of overwhelming defeat loomed.

I keep searching for this thing I swore I had already found.

Lately my head has been cruel in ways I would never be to another.

Ripping down any and everything I may take pride in.

You are no writer.

You have an open diary.

Anyone can do that.

You should not paint.

It’s terrible and holds no purpose.

You are a horrible mom.

Most days you are too burnt out to ever show up the way you should.

A worse girlfriend.

With all your fucking baggage.

You are no value to any company.

You have no education or ability to learn.

You fail as a friend.

You fail as a family member.

You fail.

Why would I say such harmful sentences.

These fallacies that I know in my heart are untrue.

It’s senseless.

Yet I can’t stop.

It’s breaking me down.

Slowly.

Again.

Again.

Again.

2 thoughts on “Day 485

  1. Thank you! I’m feeling the same this week and beating myself up for all that I’m not. It’s all in my head. I know that. My therapist tells me that. I just feel lost and lonely. I tho k when we feel this way we only have ourselves to beat up instead of realizing how great we really are and giving ourselves a break. Thanks again.

    Liked by 1 person

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