Day 489

One of the things I appreciate most about myself is my ability to completely self destruct and begin construction within a few hours.

That is not to say I do not process. That I don’t honor my feelings and emotions. That somehow I have shoved it down again. This is not my way. I spend time looking and observing the carvings on each crate I have locked away. Deciding where I will cut the chains I wrapped it in. Bringing old memories to the front of my mind. Replaying any all missteps taken. Correct words spoken. Whispers in the void. Then carefully I approach. Bolt cutters in hand.

It jumps.

I jump.

The issue is we both know it will open one way or another. It is its turn to be seen. I feel it just under the surface. Then BAM! I am set off.

Tick.

Tick.

Tick.

“Jess we’re going to need you to absorb half to 75% of someone else’s job”

Underlying sub context? Take on as much as you can with minimal to no appreciation and you better fucking smile. As if I was not busy with JUST work to begin with.

“I have fears but I will give it all I have.”

Attempt.

Crash.

Attempt.

Crash.

Over and over.

Attempt.

Succeed.

Lessons I have pulled, in just this area of my life, as this box swung open last Wednesday?

  1. I don’t know how to set boundaries.
  2. I am a workaholic.
  3. I will push myself even when I am depleted.

Positives?

I can do anything if I focus hard enough.

-After all I spent Valentines night teaching myself more about Excel. I built a macro ….. a fucking macro! Of course this was after crying most of the day at work.

I have amazing coworkers.

-If I do crack and cry they give me that sad smile and allow me space to process. Who gets that in a work environment? I am blessed.

Work is NOT everything

-I tend to really care about places I work. That’s how I believe you build great employees, by having passionate employees. This however is a double edge sword. It will leave you cut and bleeding out dealing with the world of business. I have to remember that using it as a distraction from whatever is hurting me does nothing.

Action?

Work hard but not beyond my means. This means outside of work as well. If I am a zombie I can help no one. Least of all myself.

Value myself more but not in a entitled or harmful way. Try not to lash out when hurt. Don’t let emotions get the best of me. It’s only a job. Focus on what is really bugging me. Most likely it has nothing to do with work.

Cut myself some slack. I fuck up. Often. At least I will never be the one sitting quietly or pointing the finger in another direction. I admit my shortcomings and find a way to fix them.

In the end this box has opened my eyes to so much. Is it the last time we will tango? NO definitely not but it has been seen. Leaving the ball in my court to choose progression or regression. I pray that I choose wiser paths going forward.

#iamlegitimatelyINSANE 😂

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