Day 502

I made the mistake of thinking about us. Suddenly the oxygen was depleted around me. I became a vessel once again. I looked around at my room unable to identify anything. I was a stranger in my own life.

Izzy starts babbling just waking up from her nap.

*gasp*

Nothing

Like I am existing on Mars again.

“Good afternoon” I greet with a fake smile desperately trying to convince myself.

She pulls back.

Even she knows when Mommy isn’t Mommy.

What do I do?

Sometimes the thought of you feels like a death march. Take me to the guillotine. I don’t fear it. It’s the constant wait. Driving me to insanity.

Recently I have pushed.

Pushed anything about you ten feet from my soul for fear that you will freeze it once again.

So sad.

I know that is not you.

It is my mind coming to grips with the reality that this is my life now.

A year and a half out and STILL I gasp when I remember you are gone.

Fuck

Fuck

Fuck

You existed.

You were part of me.

You are gone.

😢

Ugh grief.

You insidious motherfucker. I hate you.

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