Day 522

I’m at an incredibly difficult stage in my grief.

As you have seen I grieve HEAVY and quite often.

But this.

This feels like quicksand.

And I don’t know if I’m strong enough.

I think it is similar to the ones before.

I felt it coming.

I knew that at any second it would hit me.

But knowing and preparing do little to ease that initial crash.

Before I was so early on in my grief I didn’t realize that there was hope.

And so I gave in.

To so many harmful habits.

But now I know that there is.

I’m starting the beginning stages of my own real hope.

Not that manufactured bullshit created as a scapegoat prayer.

I am NOT willing to let that go.

I’m really not.

I don’t understand why grief can’t just grow with you.

Why it HAS to come and attack.

When you’re actually doing ok.

Decent.

I’m so angry.

I’m so fucking angry and I don’t want to be.

5 thoughts on “Day 522

  1. I’m on day #756 as a widow of suicide and the grief has consumed me once again. Praying it’s grip on us isn’t as damaging and unrelenting like it’s been before.

    Liked by 1 person

  2. Sometimes ‘So fucking angry’ is okay. You are not alone – and with all the ‘you seem to be handling it so well’ and ‘it looks like you’re moving on’ comments for just putting one foot in front of the other, angry is understandable. Thank you for sharing your feelings – it’s a gift.

    Liked by 1 person

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