Day 545

“Maybe I’m hiding behind metaphor.
Maybe my heart needs to break to be sure.
But I fall in love with a ghost.
I lost my balance when I needed it most.”

Am I creative?

Am I truly artistic?

Do I speak words in forms recognized?

I feel like a woman in search of her word.

We all have that one.

Aj’s I believe would be adventure.

Izzy is steady.

My father holds joy.

A coworker is the essence of light.

But me…..?

I am purgatory.

I am lost.

I am utterly empty.

Nothing positive most days.

I had another one of those times sobbing on cement again.

That guttural crying that hurts every inch the sound waves permeate.

I collapsed and just was.

I don’t say this as “I have given up!” Or “Feel bad for this fucking ugh this FUCKING WIDOW!”

Those have no place in this construction.

From my complete ruin I am pushing aside small chunks of rubble.

Opening my eyes.

Squinting in the sunlight that has become so foreign.

I set out on a mission Wednesday.

To show myself that I have worth.

More worth than I have allowed many to toss my way.

As the events unfolded gently I recoiled.

Why?

This isn’t supposed to happen.

Or is it?

I am a woman.

I am a woman searching for her word.

I am a woman seeking God.

I am a woman finding herself.

What a beautifully painful experience.

I can manifest nearly anything I really want.

Except resurrect the dead.

“What if we already are who we’ve been dying to become?
In certain light I can plainly see a reflection of magnificence hidden in you.
Maybe even in me.”
-Sleeping at Last (Four)

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