Day 725

(The duality of processing trauma)


Are you processing grief or processing loss?

When a heavy “grief wave” comes is it really just loss?

This question was posed to me and I struggled to find a response.

Grief has been everything.

All I’ve known for years now.

What if I am the one keeping myself sick?

What if grief is not the bad guy?

Have I confused a sheep in wolves clothing as I traverse the path of disillusionment?

The more I muled it over the more this theory started to click into place.

Lately I have been begging god to tell me where I have fallen short. It seemed that for all the times I have been fearlessly running head first into grief guns blazing, BLAZING, I always fall defeated and slightly more cracked. “How is this possible?” I asked slightly passive. “Please just tell me what I am missing.”

Then there it was. I am not processing the loss I am processing grief.

The problem with this is that grief is not my enemy!

Wait……

……what?!?!!

Grief is not the enemy I have formed from shadows in the recesses of my mind. Grief is the hand I desperately need as I flounder in the swampy waters that is loss. Flailing about I swat away the very thing trying to help me.

We see it day after day.

I’m having a bad grief wave.

Grief sucks.

I am suffocating in grief……

I say it all the time! ALL! THE! TIME!

The truth is I am drowning in my inability to clearly see and assess the loss that grief was designed to help with.

Looking to my grief pattern I can clearly see that very seldom, if at all, I admit I am angry, sad, denying, suppressing (depressing), or bartering for things I feel entitled to for some reason. I am creating feelings around what never was. Instead I validate and reaffirm myself by condoning my erratic behavior as “grief” Justifying the perpetuation of my self victimizing.

No more.

Please don’t take this as judgement against another’s path; In the slightest. I am just introspectively assessing my decisions and coping mechanisms as I enter my third year of intense loss.

Today I chose to take back power. I will try not fighting grief. Holding it as close as my justification. I will dig deeper into the root of my emotions and call out their name.

I am grateful for grief and all it has given me. May clarity illuminate the pile of laundry I made into a monster back to that which I can piece apart and rebuild anew.

Please join Sheaya and myself at 8 pm Eastern Monday October 8th for an open dialogue.

https://m.facebook.com/groups/378852625872933

Grief Resilience also holds a weekly grief meeting Wednesday’s at 8:30 eastern (open to all)

https://www.youtube.com/user/Sheayadawn

Sheaya’s YouTube channel is also focusing on the 12 spiritual principles 😁

*****Shout out to my BBFL 💗 always asking the questions I need to hear *****

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