Laying wide awake.
I looked next to me.
The vast emptiness.
I run my hand over “your” side.
Time has worn away the indentations only you could create.
It has now been my bed longer than it was ever our bed.
I thought back to laying in the bed at your parents house last year.
How I laid directly above where you had died a year before.
The year previous to that we had been trying to make that space below me ours.
Thank you for everything you did in those last few months.
You dreamed big babe.
Big but attainable.
I miss you nudging and encouraging me.
I miss the challenge.
I miss the ease.
I miss KNOWING no matter what I would always have you in my corner.
This year of loss I had four people acknowledge.
FOUR FUCKING PEOPLE!
That you existed.
Because you EXISTED!
Exist still in some realms.
I shove the body pillow under the sheet and tuck it in.
Slowly I inch my body closer to where you would be.
One leg in-between where your long limbs should lay.
That specific nook of your shoulder….
I grab a soft shirt and mush it so it will cradle my head.
As you once did.
My fingers twitch.
Ready to place my hand in that spot.
The same spot with all men I have loved.
I think of how you only had those three or four hairs on your chest.
How different from all other men.
That divot on your chest was my most favorite part of your body.
I rest my hand in the middle of the pillow.
Staring at the street light reflections in my ring.
I squeeze my eyes closed as the sting of tears build.
Maybe if I concentrate hard enough I can fool myself.
I have grown so much since you left; everything and nothing has changed.
For that I am sorry….
I am sorry and I am grateful.
I found me because I had and lost you.
Maybe this is as good as it gets.
Maybe this is grace.
I will love and miss you for an eternity.