Day 806

When you swallow someone whole, you are bound to choke” -Walk the Moon

I haven’t been writing.
For fear that the pain will seep further into my veins.
That I will drive even more of the living away.
What if I admit I’m not doing great?
Will I crumble under the weight of longing once again?
Loss of all kinds encompass me.

There is this excess of love that I give so freely to those who don’t even want it.
Yet still I drench them in it as if it might sway their thoughts towards me.
For what?
I sit at the end of the day as a singular unit.
Empty.
And alone.

“Is it worth?” it I wonder.

Years from now will I be proud of my silence as your words fill me with daggers?
Unintentional I know.
I know.
Still.
It’s not like I’m living in that same old lie anymore.

I forgive you.

I forgive you _____
I forgive her.
I forgive him.
Them.

I forgive me.

I’m ready to be happy again…….
Does happiness still exist or have I experienced too much to fall like a teenager?
Am I strong enough without these ties that bind?
How do I still feel less than?
Even while my self love is deeper than ever before.

The clouds are coming.
I see them in the distance as I dance among fallen leaves and sun rays.

Where is my worth?
My voice?
My love?

“You can do this.” I say sternly to an empty car.
“It’s just a wave babe.
Not the first.
Never the last.”

Let this growth begin so it may end 🙏

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