Day 967

Tomorrow is my birthday….

I will be 31 years old. Much older than I had expected or wanted a decade ago. Actually almost exactly ten years ago I started my addiction. Getting shitfaced with some of my oldest friends at the time. Hiding that I was already high out of my mind; I had an omenous feeling then. After that I could not tell you what birthdays consisted of until June 2012. That year I had just moved in with my father after finally confessing to my family I was heavy addicted to heroin. I spent that year high and alone in my head. The next year I relapsed after having a few months strung together. I had been living with Dave and C.J. but decided after a trip back to see family that getting high was the only thing to do. That birthday woke me the fuck up! I lost everything within just a few hours and was living out of garbage bags on my friends couch. By 2014 I had been a Mommy for just two months and was building a life with Dave. In 2015 I was a newlywed ….. Ouch…. Then 2016 I was a Mommy to a son and a daughter. That was my most favorite birthday, not because anything special happened but because I had a beautiful life built with someone I authentically loved and was loved in return. The next year I spent again in Illinois but this time I was widowed and fresh off a breakdown, suicide attempt, and month institutionalized. One of the most depressing times in my life without a doubt. I decided to change then. Last year was spent in Virginia which was quiet but quickly was rattled by the death of another I loved dearly. For all the ones I could not save they have saved me a million times over. I graciously accept having loved and lost than never having audaciously loved in the first place.

Recently I have found this calm rhythm in life.
Unlike anything I have felt before, I am just filled with intense gratitude.
How could I not be?
In this new life I have created out of true despair. No scratch that. Out of true faith. I had faith in the Universe, no doubt, but to have real faith within one’s self….. That is a fucking GIFT!

This year I hope to grow my house into a home, something the kids and I desperately crave. I hope to grow in faith. Create fearlessly. Learn how to be a woman and not a lost girl. To see myself as I really am because honestly I amaze myself at my own perseverance (self love is healthy and feels nice). The realization that I am who I have been searching for has been beyond enlightening. These first couple of decades have been challenging as fuck but I know it’s always darkest before the dawn. I have fought far too long to not enjoy the present of presence. Here’s to the next thirty!

May we all find that which we seek.

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